


Double Edged Sword

by SkyChasingDreamer



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe, Banter, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Desperation, Joui War, Kissing, M/M, Separation Anxiety, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 16:13:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1654643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyChasingDreamer/pseuds/SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, some of you will probably remember this fic from awhile back and I'm putting it back up! It's a teaser pretty much. See, I wrote this fic, then started a really long full length story for it and I'm getting closer to being done with it! It's an AU fic that starts with Hijikata and Gintoki meeting before the war and it's really pretty in depth and shows what happens to them as they develop feelings for each other and have to go their separate ways eventually. I've had a lot of fun working on it, but wanted to put this back up as a nice little taste of what's to come!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Double Edged Sword

Gintoki wasn't anxious.

He _wasn't_.

He didn't get anxious over anything, he had bigger, more pressing things compared to this. Dusk was fast approaching, his arm was propped on his sword and his other one was making a nasty habit of scrubbing through his hair or wringing at his side as he paced. He didn't even know why he was waiting, this should have ended a long time ago – no. It should never have begun.

It really shouldn't have, yet it had, somehow.

“Fuck,” Gintoki mumbled and pressed his hand to his face.

He could tell himself over and over again that this shouldn't have happened, but the truth was that he was glad it had. So glad, he couldn't regret, didn't want to imagine his life without it. It complicated things, definitely, but Gintoki wouldn't change a thing even if he could.

Gintoki's gaze flicked around, ears straining for the sound of footsteps, and he was so conflicted. He wanted to hear the rustle of fabric of an approaching person about as he wanted to be met with the continued silence of solitude. The tail ends of his headband brushed against his back as the breeze picked up and he sighed, running a hand through his hair again.

But again, _not_ anxious.

He was only wearing half his armor, his breastplate being the most notable thing missing. On his own away from his faction he could manage just fine, but it was still weird not to be fully outfitted. It was nice to have the extra weight off, though. It didn't slow him down much, if at all, but it gave his shoulders a break from the strain. Seemed such breaks were becoming fewer and fewer as the days went by and he was steeped deeper into the war.

His eyes snapped up the second he heard the crunching of feet against dirt, a hurried pace headed straight for him. He saw him and wanted to run to the man he'd waited weeks to see, but, truth be told, he couldn't move. His breath had caught in his throat and he swallowed hard as everything – _everything –_ else melted away. The hairs on the back of his neck rose, his fingers tingled, and he was pissed. The other man was pissed as well if the glare matching his own was anything to go by.

Hijikata was just as Gintoki remembered, tall and strong with icy blue eyes. His sandals were light against the ground and his blue yukata was pristine and Gintoki knew it to be soft. His fingers twitched at the memory of it against his skin and it wasn't until Hijikata stopped, standing proud with squared shoulders, a short distance away that Gintoki found himself able to move.

He went forward hurriedly and Hijikata must have moved forward too because when their bodies came together they neither went forward or back. His arms wrapped around Hijikata's waist and squeezed, keeping them pressed flush together as they kissed. Frenzied, wet _kissing_.

“You stupid, _stupid_ man,” Hijikata whispered fiercely, punctuating each 'stupid' with a closed fist hit to Gintoki's shoulder.

Gintoki couldn't deny that, in fact, he rather believed it. He believed it all the more as he pressed forward and caught Hijikata's lips in another rough kiss, their tongues meeting outside their mouths. Hijikata's arms went around his shoulders and there was a possession in the fingers that curled into Gintoki's yukata.

“You shouldn't have come,” Gintoki managed when they broke for air only a moment before crashing back together.

Hijikata moaned softly and leaned back to glare, their lips separating with a smack. “ _You_ shouldn't have waited, moron.”

They'd have glared at each other longer, but that was made difficult by their eyes closing as their mouths met once more. The kisses were sloppy and haphazard, a testament to their inexperience. The touches of their hands were fumbling and almost awkward, never knowing where to grab or hold, but trying all the same. Running over cloth and through hair, clutching a bicep, smoothing over a shoulder, always in motion as if reassuring that the person was whole and really there.

It was desperate, it was not knowing if this would be the last time they'd be able to have each other. It wasn't even about sex, either. It was about stealing these moments they never should have had the chance to get, short precious moments. What they had was so fragile, so easily broken, and yet it remained time and time again as if resilient to all the many forces working against it. Or maybe it was just that they were both stubborn and unable to let go of... whatever it was they had. Truly, it had no label – labeling it was far too dangerous.

Foolish.

And they were _fools._

Hijikata suddenly surged forward, walking them a couple steps. Gintoki's back hit a tree and he grunted, concealing a wince as best he could. But of course Hijikata noticed, tearing away from the kiss to study with shrewd eyes, then touch Gintoki's lower stomach on the right side with a firm grip.

"From a couple days ago,” Gintoki supplied with a slight shrug, “it's not deep."   
Hijikata nodded, somber and panting, and didn't remove his hand. A shadow of something softened the look on the other's face, but anger remained, anger born from a helplessness that Gintoki understood all too well. With an annoyed sound, Hijikata grabbed the lapels of Gintoki's yukata and tugged, then pushed, slamming him into the tree. After the second time, Gintoki grabbed Hijikata's hips and pushed back. They grappled with each other, trading hard kisses and Gintoki could _feel_ Hijikata fighting the urge to straight up punch him.

Tired of feeling the bark of the tree against his back, Gintoki bit at Hijikata's lip and went forward. Hijikata pushed too and they were losing their balance, but neither was willing to move away to regain it. Thus, they fell, Gintoki taking the brunt of the fall and still, they were inseparable. Hijikata's fist hit his shoulder once more, in time with a near harsh kiss – a way to get the frustration out, Gintoki was sure. And he met each one with his own form of pent up emotions, things he couldn't convey in words and neither could Hijikata.

His lungs were near burning when Hijikata faltered to the side to pant and breathe. Gintoki's eyes opened and he swallowed heavily, lips parted and kiss swollen. Hijikata's bumped their foreheads together, the contact only half there because of Gintoki's headband, but it still felt good. Solid – familiar.

"When –“ Hijikata paused to lick his lips and tried again, “when do you go out again?"  
"Tomorrow."  
A sigh and Hijikata's eyes closed, squeezing shut as if pained as his head tilted away. The muscles in Hijikata's cheeks jumped as he grit his teeth and when his eyes opened, they were narrowed in a glare.

"I can fight," Hijikata said tersely.   
Gintoki's hand reached up, his fingers sifting through the other's ponytail, making it fall over the other's shoulder. "I know, bastard."  
It was a conversation they'd had before... well, less a conversation, more a yelling match that had ended in thrown punches and bitter anger. Hijikata could fight, Gintoki knew that, he could see the fighting fire light up Hijikata's eyes, it was part of what he was so attracted to. But Hijikata's place wasn't on the battlefield, it was with his friends and family. And frankly, as much as Gintoki wanted Hijikata with him – so achingly much sometimes – he... wouldn't be able to stand having him on the battlefield, oppressed by war, surrounded by dying comrades, never knowing if he'd have another day....  
No.   
He wanted Hijikata someplace safe and maybe that was selfish, but he didn't care. He'd lost too many already, he didn't want to think – even consider –   
Just, at least let him keep _one_ person safe....

Face scrunching into a snarl, Hijikata grabbed Gintoki's shoulders and rolled them, their legs tangling. It was a full roll, putting Hijikata back on top in such a way that they were laying and still able to face each other. Gintoki didn't care about the dirt or the small twig that got caught in Hijikata's hair, he actually liked it. It was natural, Hijikata was handsome this way, and with the roll, the other had lightened up again. Perhaps, for the moment, letting everything else go so they could just enjoy whatever short time they had left.   
He reached a hand up and cupped Hijikata's cheek, lips twitching up when the other's nose curled just before he leaned into the touch. Leaning up, Gintoki slid their lips together and this kiss was much softer and no less lingering. Hands roamed Gintoki's body, one hand hovering over his side, moving away, then coming right back. A worried touch, like doing so would make the wound heal faster. Hijikata's yukata slid down on the left side and Gintoki couldn't help trailing his fingertips over the smooth, warm skin.

The sun was starting to go down, casting a soft glow and despite that, they took their time merely touching. Light, gentle touches that, though slower, conveyed a different kind of frenzy. A hand touched his cheek and he caught it, turning his head then to break away from a kiss.

Gintoki took Hijikata's hand and flipped it over, a little smile coming to his face as he gently ran his thumb over the blisters there. “You've been practicing.”

Hijikata blushed and looked away with gritted teeth, glaring at something off to the side. He didn't pull his hand away, though his fingers did twitch whenever the pad of Gintoki's thumb touched a tender spot. They were both so young, hardened by the weight of the world, but riddled with soft spots that came with their age. Bodies that hadn't quite filled out, muscles that were firm and strong, but perhaps disproportional.   
“The faction leaves early,” Gintoki said quietly, speaking and looking at Hijikata's long fingers.

Hijikata froze, then nodded – he understood. They didn't have long, they never did. Gintoki was quickly coming to believe that there might never be such a thing as long enough. And he was wholly unprepared when Hijikata pulled his hand away, shifting to straddle him and wrap his arms around Gintoki's neck.

They weren't the hugging type, neither of them were, not by a long shot. But together, alone, in their own little world they created around themselves, they could be whatever they wanted. So when Hijikata's arms wrapped tight around Gintoki's neck, he sat up and hugged the bastard back. Hard. He buried his face in Hijikata's hair and took a deep breath, inhaling the other's scent and hoping it would rub off on him, cling to him, that at least _that_ would be able to stay with him.   
So many words – promises – flooded his mouth then and it was with a muted wounded noise that he choked them down. He could make no promises, couldn't give the reassurances he wanted so badly to – reality was far too harsh. To paint a future of falsehoods, to feed a hope that could so easily be snuffed out, it would be cruel to them both. He couldn't say he was afraid, that he missed this when they were apart, that everything would be alright and turn out for the best... that they'd get a happy ending.

All he could do, really, was take what Hijikata offered in the moment and give back everything he himself could offer. A hand ran up Hijikata's back, a kiss was pressed to his neck, and for the moment, however brief, they were okay. A far cry from perfect and however bittersweet and fleeting it was to only be able to steal moments like these, they were at least happy moments. Something to hold onto. And that was why they wrapped themselves tighter in their little world and indulged in each other until the time came to part with the hope of a chance to meet again someday soon.

**To Be Continued:**

**In another fic coming soon!**

**Stay tuned!**


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